Latest News
WIGGO OUT WITH ‘PAIN IN ARSE CAUSED BY LOSING’
SIR Bradley Wiggins has withdrawn from the Giro d’Italia because of “losing”. Seven-time Olympic medallist Wiggins, who was five minutes and 22 seconds down overall, has been suffering from “not being in the lead”. The Team Sky rider, 33, will ... Read More »
TORIES ‘CAN’T AGREE OVER CHEESE’
THE Conservatives are split down the middle over cheese, it has been revealed. MPs on the right of the party will only eat Red Leicester, Double Gloucester or Cheddar, while their more centrist colleagues insist on continental-style softer cheeses like ... Read More »
SHAMED CARDINAL DOES ‘BISCUIT’ PENANCE
DISGRACED former Catholic leader Keith O’Brien is to leave Scotland to study Belgian biscuits. The Splurt understands the former Cardinal – who resigned earlier this year amid allegations he made gay approaches to young trainee priests – will also research ... Read More »
UNITED ‘WANT MIRANDA AS NEW BOSS’
MANCHESTER United are “unlikely” to appoint any well-known names from the 1970s entertainment industry as their new manager – and want Miranda Hart instead, club sources have revealed. Old Trafford bosses made the statement as they began looking for a ... Read More »
UKIP VOTERS ‘ARE WRONG, WE’RE RIGHT’ SAY BIG TWO
“EVERYONE except us is racist”, said Labour and the coalition Government today. Anyone who voted UKIP in the 2013 county council elections will now be stamped with a tattoo and sent to live in camps. The anti-EU party’s 25% share ... Read More »
COPS ‘MOVE PRISONER WITHOUT LOSING HIM’ – CLAIM
POLICE in Manchester are celebrating after they managed to successfully transfer an allegedly dangerous prisoner from his jail cell to a courtroom. The force ordered in a job lot of party poppers and Chinese firecrackers to celebrate “a rare success”. ... Read More »
KKK FURY AT COMIC’S N-WORD ‘HIJACK’
THE Ku Klux Klan have vowed to “reclaim the N-word” for “good honest racists”. The often-controversial white supremacist movement said it was “forced to act” after American comic Reginald D Hunter caused a storm at the Professional Footballers’ Association annual ... Read More »
POOR HAVE DUTY TO HELP OUT ‘SQUEEZED’ RICH – IDS
THE Government says that poor people should think twice before claiming benefits in order to ease the burden on the “squeezed” rich in society. The Freedom Through Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith told The Splurt in an exclusive ... Read More »
ROYAL’S ‘UNICORN AND FROSTY JACK’S’ DIET
PRINCESS Margaret shunned oysters and caviar and preferred “simple meals” like roasted swan and sautéed unicorn steaks, according to newly released files. Details of her dining preferences are revealed in letters from the Queen Mother’s private secretary to the governor ... Read More »
SPAIN’S UNEMPLOYED ‘MIGHT JUST BE ASLEEP’
A REFUSAL not to sleep all afternoon has been blamed for Spain’s record unemployment rate. The total number of unemployed people in Spain has now passed the six million figure – which translates as 27.2% – although officials admitted having ... Read More »
