The Splurt looks ahead to what 2013 holds in store…
JANUARY
Andy Murray goes out in the first round of the Australian Open and starts to wonder if his U.S. Open triumph last year was all a dream, after all. Novak Djokovic wins after slipping donkey cheese into the other players’ energy bars.
FEBRUARY
A week-long teacher’s strike is called off after union officials realise it clashes with half term when they’ll be off for a week anyway.
MARCH
The rearranged week-long teacher’s strike planned to start at the end of March is called off after unions discover that’s the Easter holidays and they’ll be off anyway. One frustrated union official said: “Bugger, we’re just not in work long enough to hold a bloody strike these days!”
In his budget on March 20, George Osborne reveals a windfall tax on everyone earning less than £20,000. They will not receive anything at all in their pay packets and all their wages will go to him for a whole month to help ease the deficit. Sir Julian Gert-Fizziwig QC is taken on at a salary of £150,000 a year to oversee the process.
APRIL
A dog named Tyson wins the Grand National after all the horses jump to their deaths and he runs from the crowd to sprint the last 100 yards and cross the line first. Aintree officials say they will look at safety again before next year’s race. A spokesman says: “Our primary concern is the welfare of the horses. I expect the usual whingers will want the race banned but that would be a tragedy. It’s a one-off that they all copped it but not to worry. I had £50 on the feckin’ dog anyway’
MAY
Manchester United are crowned champions, but relegated after having 85 points deducted by the FA for Sir Alex Ferguson’s cumulative rants throughout the season. On appeal he calls them a bunch of tossers and the points are reinstated. United are named champions again.
JUNE
Ryan Giggs is knighted in the Queen’s Birthday Honours for services to his brother’s wife.
JULY
Wimbledon fortnight comes to a climax and Britain is gripped by Murraymania. Yes, the crowds pack Murray Mount and there’s a frenzied atmosphere on Centre Court as Andy Murray manages to go one better than last year and lifts the coveted gold trophy. (Yeah, right – Ed)
AUGUST
The new football season gets under way. Arsene Wenger says he is confident this is the season Arsenal win a trophy again. His medical staff issue a statement saying he is responding well to treatment but it is still “early days”.
SEPTEMBER
X Factor begins and Louis Walsh says he thinks he’s spotted someone who reminds him of a “young Nicole Scherzinger” until they get a bit closer and he realises it is Nicole Scherzinger arriving to join the judges’ panel. Should’ve gone to Specsavers, Louis.
OCTOBER
David Cameron and Nick partnership agreement by being the first couple to get married in St Maggie’s Cathedral under new laws allowing same-sex marriages in church.
NOVEMBER
Chelsea are looking for their third manager of the season after the sacking of Mavis the Tealady, who was only installed as manager by Roman Abramovich for a week and a bit.
DECEMBER
A man in a red and white suit is confirmed as the 485th person arrested in connection with the Jimmy Savile inquiry.
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